Dear Daughter: To the Little Girl I May Never Have

Dear Daughter,

I have dreamt of you. Long ago. Long before there was ever the possibility of children, there was always you.

I envisioned your room, and what it would look like. I had it all planned out for you. There was supposed to be a white crib, with Tiffany blue walls. I can still see it when I close my eyes.

But you aren’t here to enjoy it.

The thought of not sharing all of those special moments with you. The ones that only a Mother & daughter can have. Still feels like a gaping wound to my very soul.

I’m not sure that wound will ever fully heal.

Two precious times I thought you would finally be here. And each time it felt like I lost you before I ever even had you. I don’t know that I could go through that again.

I put on a brave face. Pretending that it doesn’t matter if you never come. But secretly I am hurting. 

Sometimes I am so convincing, that I even fool myself. They will never know that my heart breaks a little when I hear that someone else is having a baby girl. Or when strangers innocently ask me if we will try again, for you.

Because the truth is, I don’t know if we will. Even if we tried, there are no guarantees that I will finally get to meet you.

And although I love your brothers with every fiber of my being and could not possibly imagine life without them. There is still a part of me that desperately longs for you. And I don’t know that, that will ever change. 

Sometimes I dream about you. I can picture your face. Your long beautiful blonde hair. Your brilliantly blue eyes. You look just like me. 

It’s hard not to think about all that I am missing without you. There is so much I want to tell you. To show you. To teach you.

If only I could tell my heart to stop hurting long enough to convince myself that this is it. Then I could stop thinking about how I won’t be there to hear about your first kiss, or to comfort you after your first break-up.

How I won’t be there to help you on your wedding day, or to watch you became a mother for the first time. All of those things that only a Mother can do for her daughter. My heart still aches at the thought of not sharing that with you. 

For now, I will cherish those special dreams. Those moments I still think about what if. I have to believe the possibility of you still exists. Because that is all I have left of you.

Forever in my dreams, 

Mom

I was extremely hesitant to share this with all of you for fear that I would offend some.

I’ve watched those I love dearly, struggle to get pregnant. It has pained my heart right along with them each and every time they were disappointed.

All the while, I was blessed with two beautiful, healthy little boys.

I may not know what it is like to struggle with infertility, but I do know what it feels like to not be able to have what your heart so desperately longs for.

Everyone has pain and struggles in one way or another. We may not always exactly understand what that person is going through, but it doesn’t make our pain any less real.

My hope is that for those who know this kind of pain, know you are not alone.

 

Read this next: An Open Letter To My First Born

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